is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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