I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize