Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
