I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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