Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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