so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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