I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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