I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
