He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
