What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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