I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
