Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
