paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
