From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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