I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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