Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
