I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
