guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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