Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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