Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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