she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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