Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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