So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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