so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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