cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
