I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
