she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
