I think I am morally bankrupt
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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