i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
