Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
