That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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