walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
