Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
