I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
