I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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