i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
