please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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