When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
