If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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