I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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