I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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