Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
