the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
