I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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