i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
