Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize