drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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