I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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