things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
