Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
