Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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