Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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