i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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