found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I currently don't understand fingers.
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