I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
