My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
