Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
