my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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