i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
