you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
