we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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