I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize